Sarcastic Guide to Craft Beer

One of the greatest things about being an overly pretentious craft beer drinker is that unlike other pretentious interests we craft beer enthusiasts are very comfortable being mocked in our enthusiasm and pretentiousness.

At its core alcohol is just a mild depressant that provides a calming, relaxing effect when consumed in small quantities and a removal of inhibitions and rational thoughts when over consumed.  To attempt to elevate one of life’s many fabulous diversions to the level of high art is quixotic and absurd at best.

Thankfully we know this cold, hard reality.  We craft beer advocates just don’t care.  Which is why we can find things like this College Humor sarcastic guide to craft beer to be so entertaining.

It takes quite an accurate look at the “typical” craft beer offers you are going to find in your local craft beer bar and distills them down into their most basic, uninspired elements and lambasts them with a fantastically sardonic wit.

My favorites were:

  • *Schrumpft Banana and Coriander Belgian Tripel: *Schrumpf’s specializes in traditional abbey beers, like this Belgian ale. Our Banana and Coriander Tripel has notes of Banana and Coriander, but in a completely different and much better way from every other Belgian ale.
  • *Twin Forks Obligatory Red Ale: *This is just a well-made, balanced red ale. You probably won’t order it because there’s nothing particularly unusual about it. Pretty tasty, though.
  • Steel Cabin “Not Bud” Lager: Are you confused by this menu and looking for a boring, shitty beer? Try Steel Cabin “Not Bud” Lager. A truly uninspired lager that tastes suspiciously like Budweiser (but is NOT Budweiser), this beer will please both craft beer fans, who will fool themselves into thinking this is better than Bud, and craft beer neophytes, who just want something familiar, like a Bud. But it’s not a Bud. It’s “Not Bud.”   $8.00.
  • *Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic: *The sweet taste of fruit, the sugary smack of berries, the saccharine flavor of rasp. These are just some of the flavors you’ll experience with one sip of Basically Soda Raspberry Lambic. Fruit forward with undertones of more fruit, this beer will set you on an adventure through flavors ranging from “syrupy” to “cloying”. “Is this even a beer?” you’ll ask. You tell us!

They are all pretty good descriptions of the worst part of the craft beer trend and I had a good laugh reading through them.  But don’t forget for every stereotypical beer this article lampoons there are great craft beer offerings that defy this expectation.

Which entries were your favorite though?